In honor of today marking one year since we exchanged our vows, I think it's time to pay homage to our big day and specifically to a very special type of wedding guest.
BACKSTORY:
If you know me at all, you know that planning this day became a high-strung, full-time career to which I endlessly dedicated myself to ensure that every detail was excruciatingly thought-out and spectacular. Having experienced ominous premonitions of the bride-to-be I might one day become, my mother, Nora, had offered us large sums of money to elope (please, never tell this to C-Rock). I can't imagine that helping me prepare for the 5 proms I attended through high school had anything to do with her apprehensions. (Thanks Nora, for taking over the many DIY projects that I ran out of time - and never had the talent- to complete: i.e., hand-beaded clutch, tea-length gown conversion, endless hand-stitched alterations...)
Surprisingly, the immense pressure I put on myself did not serve to rob me of experiencing, and even enjoying, every minute of our 10 hour ceremony and reception. On the contrary, I developed some handy negotiation prowess and dropped a couple dress sizes in the process. Having been repeatedly cautioned that my extreme attention to detail would undoubtably lead to disappointment (because ultimately, no wedding goes perfectly) I was shocked at how flawlessly everything went down...
...Or so it seemed to us love-drunk fools! Only in the months after returning from our honeymoon did the details of various antics that went down on our big day begin trickling back to us.
THE WEDDING WHAMMIES:
Like any wedding, ours had a variety of guests. The proud parents, the army of bridesmaids, the starry-eyed children, close friends we see every day, travelers from afar we hadn't seen in ages, the criers, those that hit the open bar a little too hard, those that quietly slipped out a little too early... but today I'd like to recognize the one special type of wedding guest for which I am grateful we were blissfully unaware:
the wildly inappropriate.
Our first award goes to... 'Aunt Backhanded Compliment' who emphatically emphasized to my mother, "YOUR daughter is the ONLY one who looks beautiful in her bridesmaid's dress!" (Sweet, loving Nora was too innocent to catch the slight).
Next up we have... 'Aunt and Uncle Tonsil Hockey'. This pair was caught swapping saliva on the front patio of the estate where our reception was held. Long-term married couple caught up in the romance of the occasion? Nope. Aunt from bride's side, Uncle from groom's side. First and last time they ever met.
A warm round of applause for... 'Cousin Table Smasher' who in an effort to stabilize a wobbling water glass ended up smashing eight table settings and one 36" centerpiece.... during the Maid of Honor speech.
'Table Smasher' later went on to deliver some more fun on the dance floor when he surprised a few members of the bridal party (including the bride)... and not with his dance moves. Is that a champagne toasting flute in your pocket?
Please welcome to the podium... 'Aunt Suit Icer' who apparently did not find herself entertained by the 200 something guests, the 7 hour open bar, the photo booth, the music, the dancing, the historic estate... No, no, no, this aunt could only find pleasure in wiping her hand across a piece of our wedding cake to get a fist full of icing and awaiting the next poor schmuck to walk by so she could give him a "friendly pat on the back". Much to his misfortune, the next poor swap who happened to walk by was the date of one of my sisters, who was also a bridesmaid and insisted he purchase his very first suit for the occasion. A purchase that almost kept him from attending and that he had been taking extra shifts for months to afford. Apparently the laughs for 'Aunt Suit Icer' were short-lived because she left shortly there after, but not before promising this fella to pay for his dry-cleaning.
She did not follow through.
Next we would like to acknowledge... 'Aunt Candy Pockets' who quite enjoyed our candy buffet. Apparently, she enjoyed it so much she cleaned out several pounds of a varied assortment. When caught red-handed with loot she said explained she was simply taking some back home to her son...
who lives in Texas.
And our ultimate Wildly Inappropriate Wedding Whammie Award goes to.... 'Aunt O'Doyle Rules'. This woman's family pride runs so rampant, the competition (err... innocent bystanders) don't stand a fighting chance.
She pulled me, the bride, aside several times throughout the evening to AGAIN emphasize how beautiful all the cousin's on the groom's side are and how fortunate I am to have the opportunity to pass these precious genes onto my (otherwise gaspingly wretched) children. She also commented that between highlighting my hair and slimming down considerably, I was "looking more like an O'Doyle ALREADY!"
When a wedding guest asked one of our groomsmen how he knew C-Rock and he identified himself as one of C-Rock's brothers, 'Aunt O'Doyle Rules' slithered from the shadows, stuck a finger to his nose and hissed, "STEP brother!" (How DARE he in any way falsely insinuate to have the sacred O'Doyle blood running through his lowly veins!)
During the speeches when she thought no one was watching, 'Aunt O'Doyle Rules' threw the last splash of her beverage at the back of the mother-of-the-groom's legs (for having the audacity to divorce out of the O'Doyle family 20 years earlier).
When boarding the shuttle we had arranged to loop between the reception and the hotel several times near the end of the night, Auntie was distraught to find a non-O'Doyle had blasphemously boarded what she had decided was the 'O'Doyle Shuttle'. She shrieked repeatedly that this offender need to depart the bus IMMEDIATELY! This thoughtless intruder, was an invited VIP who had come from Seattle to sing at our ceremony.
